Sex, Drugs, Rock n' Roll, and MANIPAL!!!!

Manipal - "A small town in Karnataka, India. Has a university where rich parents send their spoilt kids to, so that they can booze, smoke weed and get laid, and maybe get a degree in the process."

That's urban dictionary's definition for you. And I can unashamedly say that we did all that... and more. Save the rich parents part. And believe me, my parents didn't spoil me, Manipal did. Now this isn't the ideal place to get an "education", but as Floyd would agree, "educated" we all did get.

Strange, that I'm writing this almost 4 years after I graduated from that place. But it's raining here in Bombay (Mumbai whatever!!!), and the rains always remind me of Manipal. The place I stopped being a bespectacled geek and a complete loser and GREW UP!!! I can't even begin to define Manipal. I'd rather like to think of it as a spirit rather than a physical place. It's more of a phenomenon - something that teaches you to seek out the world (and most likely punch it in the face), something that makes you see yourself as just yourself (and not part of a 'system'), and most of all, something that urges you to be FREE!!

Manipal gave us the choice to be whatever we wanted to be - from a computer geek to a rock star. It allowed us time and space to be alone when we were down, and to be swamped by 20 guys immediately after, urging us to "bottoms up" the last whiskey peg. And believe me, you will not find anything more delicious than a "Deva's Special" anywhere in the world. And it has the only restaurant in the world where ketchup is the main ingredient of everything.. and I mean it.. EVERYTHING!!!!! It is a place where friends will not only die for you, but they will kill for you as well. And there is hardly a campus around the whole of India which is more scenic.

Manipal is purity in its most raw form. It is the whitest of white. Think of it as the first uncut garage version of 'The Dark Side of the Moon', or the first time Watson met Holmes. It is the place of firsts. First time I got thrown out of class, first time I rolled a joint, first time I saw a girl across the library hall and fell hopelessly in love, first time I nervously tried to pick a six string in front of a 1000-strong booing audience, and first time I partied so hard that I don't remember that I actually HAD been to a party the previous night.

It is a magical place filled with Deva's, and Timmy's, and Shack Point, and LC, and KC, and TC, and Juice Center, and Sheela, and Sutta & Chai, and 9th Block, and 10th Block, and 1st Block (smiles everyone!!!!), and Workshop (more smiles everyone!!!), and Malaysian Canteen, and Thaloor, and Downtown, and Movie Dome, and Auto Kaand, and Bun-Omelet, and Sizzling Browny, and Mighty Mighty. I could go on and on and on. But in the end, it is a place I call Home!!!

When she says, "We should just be friends!!"

Seriously... Isn't that the shallowest, ruthless, selfish, gut renching, hideous, and THE MOST INSULTING remark you have ever heard? This translates to, "Honey, you were nice. But I've just upgraded to a better model. But would you be darling and wait on the bench, as a back up? Just in case." It's like been given a consolation prize for being a LOSER.

Well.. The answer is... NO. You can't be "just friends", because she has screwed you and dumped you for a bigger car. Because she has wasted hours and hours of your life making you listen to her, bitching about every god damn thing in this world. And those long walks. AAARRRGGHHHH!!!! What were those for?? She didn't even lose any weight. In fact, her ass just kept getting bigger and bigger and BIGGER!!! And all your money that she so ruthlessly wasted on those countless long island iced teas.

What the F*** do women think when they say this kinda stuff? Of course, as Henry Higgins said, "Thinking is something they never do." But still, have a conscience.

The "just friends" thing also means that YOU get to be the one to whom she bitches about her boyfriend. And YOU get to be the one she pings when she's super bored and her boyfriend won't listen to her brainless chit chat. But wait.. there's a corollary to this deal too. "If by 30 I'm not married and not seeing anyone else, we should get married." Man. It's like saying, "Why don't you warm the bench? Meanwhile, I will try and play the field." Women know very well that if they don't find a rich idiot to suck dry by 30, they never will. And at 30, she stops being a babe and becomes a BEBE. So guys will not hit on her anymore. Yes YOU, lucky sir, get to be the back up drive!!!

Of course, if you end up with a "Friends with benefits" sort of a deal, that's not half bad. But that's about the farthest that one should go. But "just friends"?? Take my advice. Go and watch an SRK film instead. It's less painful.

What B-Schools DO teach you...

Statistically speaking, B-School entrance examinations in India attract more people than the Vatican. So it is reasonable to say that a B-School can be looked upon as a Temple of Learning. But what exactly does a B-School teach you? Here are a few points:

1. Leadership.. is the art of getting the job done by someone else. Technical term? Outsourcing.
2. Knowledge.. is the amount of jargon-filled BS you can talk in the time given to you. The idea is to confuse the other person so much that he'll never know that YOU DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING!!!
3. Work Ethic.. make sure the person from whom you're copying your assigments has this. All you need to do is show up in the end and make sure the spelling of your name on the cover page is correct.
4. Punctuality.. is essential, if you don't matter that is. If you are famous (and by this I mean head of some stupid committee), you can show up whenever you want.
5. Dress Code.. wearing an Armani is not going to get you to grow a brain. Believe me, it's a lot more relaxing in your khakis.
6. Friendship.. forget it. Nothing like this exists. People are just queing up to screw you behind your back.
7. Networking.. is simply kissing ass so someone will hire an undeserving imbecile like you and pay that fat salary.

So, there you have it. 6 key pillars on which these Cradles of Leadership stand. Now ain't you glad that you didn't get through CAT???

10 things I hate about a B-School

Disclaimer: The following article is completely fictitious. Any resemblance to any college whatsoever is purely coincidental.

• Number 10>> "World Class" hostel facilities: 6 people sharing the same loo!! 2 guys sleeping on the same bed?? Is "The Snake" planning turn all of us gay?? Not to mention the complementary rat that comes with every room.
• Number 9>> Exchange students: Students who come back from exchange and keep harping about the how good the quality education is and how awesome the professors are are simply LYING!! Truth is that they just went there to have wild European sex, but couldn't, because the goris rejected their dirty brown asses.
• Number 8>> Dating (for Men): Please guys... taking the girl you like to Tankoo's does NOT qualify as a date. Loosen up the purse a little bit. This is Delhi for God's sake and women here don't come cheap. Take her to a nice place (say Hard Rock Cafe) and at least spend a grand (or sometimes four). This is not directed at anyone in particular. I'm sure your girl deserves that much.
• Number 7>> Dating (for Women): Ladies... when you (rather, if you ever) get asked out by someone on a date, please (OH PLEASE!!!!) do not bring your stupid room-mates along. Unless, of course, they are cuter than you. The guy is interested in YOU, not your entourage.
• Number 6>> Making out in public: It's understandable that couples have the need to suck face with each other from time to time. But when you do give in to such temptations, PLEASE DO IT PROPERLY!!! They are at least 5 people watching you from behind the curtains, and they deserve a good show.
• Number 5>> DCP-s: Or Desperate Class Participants... Well, this one should not surprise anyone. B-Schools are filled with overenthusiastic juveniles who think management is all about asking questions (no matter how utterly moronic or irrelevant they are). Please... SHUT THE F*** UP!!!!!
• Number 4>> "Knee-Keel Drove-Her": Need I say more???
• Number 3>> Placecomm elections: Don't you just get pissed when a placecomm candidate gets up on stage and professes his/her eternal love for you and the college and how he/she is ready to risk ALL just to serve you. What a load of Crap!!!!! Buddy, you are here because you think getting into the placecomm is going to get you the best job, AND THAT IS IT!!!!
• Number 2>> IMF: Student bodies with names like International Management Forum... Now I don't hate the IMF as such, just the name. Why in the world is it called IMF??? It is neither a Forum nor International. This is just another example of management students trying to complicate simple things. Just call it The Student Council.
• Number 1>> DGP-s: For the uninitiated, a DGP (Derogatory Grade Point) is a negative grade point and is allotted to an unfortunate student who is found guilty of breaking certain rules in the college. But this is actually used as a tool by certain people holding 'high' posts (and with unusually small genitals) to exert power over those they are intimidated by but are too scared to confront man-to-man (well half a man in most cases).

Setting foot ON a B-School

Phew!!!
Dunno how it went by.. but it did, and I'm glad it did and I am really looking forward to the rest of the 2 years to buzz away in similar fashion.

I'm not sure how to begin. I remember the moment of unadulterated joy when I saw my name on the final list. Somehow the first month has really not lived up to that moment. No! A B-School is not awe-inspiring, it's just a college.

Of course, there have been several problems, the least of them the infrastructure issues at the hostel, which definitely are not 'world class'. Single rooms converted into doubles, doubles converted to triples, with as many 6 people sharing a bathroom. C'mon!!! 6 grown-ups sharing a single bathroom. That's certainly 'world class'.

Now, the curriculum. Pretty agressive, that I have to admit. Lotsa assignments, quizzes, tests all at the same time. Teachers you ask? This is a college after all. And the mix is pretty hetero here. Some are absolutely brilliant (these are the people who actually care whether you take something away from their class), and the rest are a bunch of jokers. There is actually a prof who thinks Vivek Paul did nothing for Wipro and ICICI acquired Daewoo. HA HA!!! What a buffoon!!!

Then comes the B-School junta themselves. I think it's pretty safe to say (and I've been saying this all along) that the selection procedure is utter nonsense. True, there are some people who are actually good. But the majority are a bunch of juveniles who happen to crack some stupid math problems. The maturity levels are abysmally low, and most people are just over-eager imbeciles who actually think joining the 'mess committee' is actually gonna give them leadership positions. C'mon!!! Who are you kidding? HA HA!!! People are actually boasting about their various club associations in their CV. Can you imagine that?!! Dude, you just paid 400 bucks to get in the club. It really does not qualify as an achievement. If it's anybody's achievement, it's your old man's, who is actually earning those 400 bucks.

So watch out you people!!! Soon you are going to work under such managers.

For all those people appearing for CAT, XAT, MAT, FAT, RAT and all the other exams that test nothing but your dumb luck, please DON'T. Go out and enjoy. See the world. Cause 2 years in a B-School just aint worth it. CHEERS!!!

Of parents who never grew up

2 minutes into the house (where I haven been for the last one n a half years) and the scolding starts. "Do this, do that!!!" OR Rather "Don't do this, don't do that!!!" Must be some kind of a record now. I remember last time it was a little more than 24 hours. But 2 mins. MAN!!! I'll give it to these guys. They sure no how to make their son feel wanted in the house.

And the grand finale was today evening. I am not going to go into the exact details of the event, but I can safely say that the roof was blown off today. In the end it was almost comical really, at least to me. But I have learnt a lot from today's exchange and I would like to share it with anyone with the same situation. So here are the rules of engagement:

1. Never NEVER get angry or react in an aggressive manner. That's exactly what the enemy wants.
2. Stay calm. Try and use both your ears. In from one and out from the other. Believe me, if you wanna piss them off, this is the best way. Nothing irritates them more than indifference.
3. Crack a joke or two. Trivialize the issue. That will really blow the top off, and it will explore your creativity too. Do not try and get into a serious conversation.
4. Switch on the TV and start watching the MTV (ideally Splits Villa).
5. YAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Move around the room. Grab something to eat from the fridge or something. Don't leave the room. Just fool around inside.
7. Never make eye contact. Keep watching TV. Just make a few snide comments from time to time.
8. Lastly, when they stop, just say "Are you done?" and leave the battlefield, VICTORIOUS!!!

IPL Diary: Knight Riders OR the Nighty Riders

Boy has the Fake IPL player laid into these guys, and deservedly so. What an absolute bunch of jokers!!! Now, I am Bengali, hence by default I am Rider fan. But even the most hardcore fan would have admitted at the start of the IPL that this team is not particularly strong. C’mon, you can’t seriously expect the likes of Akash Chopra, Sanjay Bangar and Laxmi Ratan Shukla to perform in South African pitches. But boy oh boy have they exceeded all our worst nightmares.

1 match in 7!!! Even a local club in Kolkata would have won more than that. Mr. Captain looks like he shitting in pants every time he goes out to bat. And Gayle seems as if he simply does not care. And I am sorry to say that our dear Dada should really hang up his boots now. Then there is the future of fast bowling in Indian cricket – Ishant Sharma – he seems keener to bowl maiden overs outside the cricket field than inside. And the rest are a bunch of jokers enjoying a free holiday in South Africa. What a bunch o LOSERS!!!!

And the blame starts right at the top, with the King Khan himself. Dude, this is sport, not a movie, wherein you can have a million retakes before you get your insane over-acting right. Now I used to think of SRK as a smart and sensible character. But I am happy to say he is proved me absolutely wrong. He is nothing but a bungling idiot, who is so hopelessly in love with himself that he seems to think that the forces of nature (and in this case IPL) will abide by his rules alone and hand him the IPL trophy because: “Hey, mein hoon Raj, naam to sunha hoga”. What a buffoon!!!! What a DILDO!!!

Controversies and more controversies!!! First, Kolkata is dropped from the name. For what possible ends, I fail to see. Next, the “innovative” 4-captain theory, which turned out to be a devious scheme hatched by Buchanan and co. to take Dada out of the captaincy, and eventually the team for sure. Mr. Buchanan, you are a damn cricket coach, not Peter Drucker. You could not even play the game yourself. So just stop pretending to be God with your little laptop. I am sure you’re just playing Minesweeper anyway.

I could go on and on about the gargantuan fuck-ups that SRK and his gang of pussies have done. But please, this team should just spare us the agony of watching them lose anymore and catch the first flight home.