Of parents who never grew up

2 minutes into the house (where I haven been for the last one n a half years) and the scolding starts. "Do this, do that!!!" OR Rather "Don't do this, don't do that!!!" Must be some kind of a record now. I remember last time it was a little more than 24 hours. But 2 mins. MAN!!! I'll give it to these guys. They sure no how to make their son feel wanted in the house.

And the grand finale was today evening. I am not going to go into the exact details of the event, but I can safely say that the roof was blown off today. In the end it was almost comical really, at least to me. But I have learnt a lot from today's exchange and I would like to share it with anyone with the same situation. So here are the rules of engagement:

1. Never NEVER get angry or react in an aggressive manner. That's exactly what the enemy wants.
2. Stay calm. Try and use both your ears. In from one and out from the other. Believe me, if you wanna piss them off, this is the best way. Nothing irritates them more than indifference.
3. Crack a joke or two. Trivialize the issue. That will really blow the top off, and it will explore your creativity too. Do not try and get into a serious conversation.
4. Switch on the TV and start watching the MTV (ideally Splits Villa).
5. YAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Move around the room. Grab something to eat from the fridge or something. Don't leave the room. Just fool around inside.
7. Never make eye contact. Keep watching TV. Just make a few snide comments from time to time.
8. Lastly, when they stop, just say "Are you done?" and leave the battlefield, VICTORIOUS!!!

IPL Diary: Knight Riders OR the Nighty Riders

Boy has the Fake IPL player laid into these guys, and deservedly so. What an absolute bunch of jokers!!! Now, I am Bengali, hence by default I am Rider fan. But even the most hardcore fan would have admitted at the start of the IPL that this team is not particularly strong. C’mon, you can’t seriously expect the likes of Akash Chopra, Sanjay Bangar and Laxmi Ratan Shukla to perform in South African pitches. But boy oh boy have they exceeded all our worst nightmares.

1 match in 7!!! Even a local club in Kolkata would have won more than that. Mr. Captain looks like he shitting in pants every time he goes out to bat. And Gayle seems as if he simply does not care. And I am sorry to say that our dear Dada should really hang up his boots now. Then there is the future of fast bowling in Indian cricket – Ishant Sharma – he seems keener to bowl maiden overs outside the cricket field than inside. And the rest are a bunch of jokers enjoying a free holiday in South Africa. What a bunch o LOSERS!!!!

And the blame starts right at the top, with the King Khan himself. Dude, this is sport, not a movie, wherein you can have a million retakes before you get your insane over-acting right. Now I used to think of SRK as a smart and sensible character. But I am happy to say he is proved me absolutely wrong. He is nothing but a bungling idiot, who is so hopelessly in love with himself that he seems to think that the forces of nature (and in this case IPL) will abide by his rules alone and hand him the IPL trophy because: “Hey, mein hoon Raj, naam to sunha hoga”. What a buffoon!!!! What a DILDO!!!

Controversies and more controversies!!! First, Kolkata is dropped from the name. For what possible ends, I fail to see. Next, the “innovative” 4-captain theory, which turned out to be a devious scheme hatched by Buchanan and co. to take Dada out of the captaincy, and eventually the team for sure. Mr. Buchanan, you are a damn cricket coach, not Peter Drucker. You could not even play the game yourself. So just stop pretending to be God with your little laptop. I am sure you’re just playing Minesweeper anyway.

I could go on and on about the gargantuan fuck-ups that SRK and his gang of pussies have done. But please, this team should just spare us the agony of watching them lose anymore and catch the first flight home.